I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
