the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
