dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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