If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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