yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
