Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
