census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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