i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
