Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
