my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize