when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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