cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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