Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
