the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
