I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
