FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
