Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
