I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
