I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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