i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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