I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
