saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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