Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
