my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
