My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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