just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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