Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
