alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
did i walk over a car last night?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
