On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
