a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
