Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
