don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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