The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
