If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
