woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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