with your own penis?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
