Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
