So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
