I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
