nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
