ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
