i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
