ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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