Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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