Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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