My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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