Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
