i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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