It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
