I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
