party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
