you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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