you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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