There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's shark week go big or go home
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
