you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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