I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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