so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
