you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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