I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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